I am definitely "okay", by the way. It's defintely not a mental breakdown (per se). I'm having a lot of... self-evaluation recently. And I'm definitely not liking what I see. Which is great: right before summer, every year, I get to an all-time low, then all summer I'm a pain in the ass because all I want to do is curl up and die. I don't even really want to talk to anyone right now. Alisha has called me and I just don't pick up... I don't want to talk to my family, or my sisters, or my friends... I just sorta wish I had a twin, or something. Maybe a therapist. Somebody I could talk to with no chance of being judged, that would keep everything I say secret no matter what.
I'm rambling so much about nothing. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. There really isn't. Just... I think I'm on the day-after depression period of coke use. I feel kind of... faint. I don't know if I'm hungry or just upset. Or what?!
Last night was one of the strangest nights I've had in a long time. It started off normal: baseball/beta mixer, off to some random guy's house taking body shots of God knows what. I think the downhill started with Matt. That was the guy I had "chosen" to hook up with in the beginning of the party, and I did hook up with him. The problem is I was VERY drunk and have a fuzzy memory of intense pain in my ... uhh... vaginal area. And I remember gasping and him saying "Are you sure you want to do this?" and I said "no" and I'm not sure what happened after that. I really hope nothing. I bet nothing. But I'm just not sure.
When I got back to my room I talked to Tyler and had him come over. Good idea? NO. No, not really. Why? Because our retarded drunk asses thought it would be a good idea to talk about how we used to like each other and what a shame it didn't work out and what happened blah blah. I really, really, really wish we hadn't talked about that. I mean, I didn't care. I really didn't. I still don't, at least, not really- I just wonder what I just missed out on. DON'T CARE MIND YOU. I just am tired of being so... I don't know. Not exactly unattainable but above it. Not above it. I don't know how to explain the shit rushing through my head right now.
It's not him. It's him and all the other guys there have ever been. I'm one of the only people in college that has never had a long-term relationship. Never been in love (and never dream of being in love... eh). And I'm so... okay I'll date you for a little bit but that's it. Okay I'll make out with you but thats it... and I was watching a movie today and this quote... aaaahhh seriously. I need to stop. It was in "Something's Gotta Give" near the end where Diane Keaton advises her daughter and tells her you can't hide from love forever just because you're scared of getting hurt. I'm not sure if that's my problem or whether it's the maturity thing or my actual getting-tired-of-guys-ness. I really am not that worried about it either. I'm just turning it around in my mind. Maybe this summer I can have an insane passionate love affair and know what love is like and... I don't know. Grow up? And when I come back next year stop running?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING WITH ANY OF THIS. I'm just gonna stop while I'm ahead... or before I get really deep into something I don't want to think about.
"You can't say 'if this didn't happen then that would have happened' because you don't know everything that might have happened. You might think something'd be good, but for all you know it could have turned out horrible. You can't say 'If only I'd...' because you could be wishing for anything. The point is you'll never know. You've gone past. So there's no use thinking about it. So I don't." ~Granny Weatherwax